Dental Problems
by ColdFusion180
Summary: Surprises and chaos abound when the Acolytes are sent to the dentist.


**Dental Problems**

"It does not make any sense," Piotr commented while sitting in a chair in the recreation room.

"It doesn't have to make sense. The world is full of things that don't make sense. Names, government policies, scientific theories, story lines. Get used to it," Sabertooth growled as he lay back on the couch and idly flipped through channels on the TV.

"But there must be a reason for it," Piotr said.

"Since when do things need a reason to be?" Sabertooth rolled his eyes.

"Maybe there was a mistake. Or it is some sort of strange tradition?" Piotr thought.

"Boss, can't you deal with him?" Sabertooth asked.

"Oh brother," Magneto groaned and set down the paper he was reading. He looked at Piotr. "Look, as fascinating and stupid as this mystery is, I really think it's just dumb luck that hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns come in packages of eight. No traditions, no reasons, just plain human stupidity."

"Hey boss," Remy said as he and Pyro entered the room. Pyro was holding a hand to his cheek painfully. "Pyro's got a problem."

"That's the understatement of the century," Sabertooth quipped.

"Ha ha, very funny," Remy scowled.

"What is it?" Magneto asked.

"He's got a toothache," Remy replied. "We were just eating lunch when he bit on some nuts and started yelping in pain."

"Ohhh," Pyro moaned. "Tis weally horts."

"A toothache?" Magneto blinked. "What can I do about a toothache?"

"Can't you take him to the infirmary and take care of it using some sort of advanced medical device or something?" Remy asked.

"No. Why would I have something like that around? Bandages, yes. Casts, yes. Equipment to heal broken bones, yes. Things that can analyze and alter a beings' genetic code, definitely yes. But a toothache, no," Magneto sighed. "I guess this means I'll have to act on the dental plan."

"Dental plan?" Piotr asked. "What dental plan?"

"As part of being an Acolyte you all benefit from having access to the advanced medical facilities that I have here at the base. I take care of any and all medical problems you may have that I am equipped to deal with," Magneto explained.

"Wow," Remy blinked. "I didn't know you cared about us so much."

"It's mainly about being in condition to fight. If you have a broken leg or influenza you can't fight very well and would be no use to me. Plus I have the option to deny any treatment to you per my discretion," Magneto added.

"Fwigours," Pyro mumbled.

"However, since I have limited knowledge of oral hygiene, I have all of you on a dental plan with the local facility. I'll arrange a dentist appointment for you immediately," Magneto said getting up.

"Okway," Pyro muttered painfully.

"Is that safe?" Piotr asked. "Should one of us go with him?"

"Hmmm," Magneto thought. "That's not a bad idea. In fact, all of you will go to the dentist. I'll arrange for the rest of you to get a checkup and cleaning."

"WHAT?!" Sabertooth yelled and jumped up from the couch. "That's ridiculous! Why should I have to go with the Firebug to the dentist?"

"Because it's easier to have all of you go at the same time and will hopefully prevent any more trips in the near future," Magneto said. "Plus you're all probably overdue for a checkup anyway."

"Why do I have to go? I have a healing factor for crying out loud! There's no reason for me to go!" Sabertooth protested.

"Oh yes there is," Magneto walked over and glared at Sabertooth. "One, your breath smells awful and needs to be dealt with, either with a complete bacterial decontamination or a lifetime supply of breath mints and mouthwash. Two, I need somebody relatively sane to watch over you lunatics. And three, I'm ordering you to go. IS THAT CLEAR?!"

"Yes sir," Sabertooth gulped.

"Good. Now I'm going to arrange your appointments," Magneto walked out of the room.

"This stinks!" Sabertooth growled while starting to pace around the room. "I shouldn't have to go to the dentist. I've never been to a dentist in my life! I swore never to let anyone mess with my teeth again after that…that little experience."

"Okay," Remy watched Sabertooth mutter to himself. "Uh Sabes? You're not afraid of the dentist are you?"

"What?! Of course not!" Sabertooth spat a little too quickly. "I'm not afraid of anything! Especially not some doctor with little water sprayers and mirrors and metal probes and pliers and…"

"Uh, dentists do not have pliers," Piotr said.

"Of course they do!" Sabertooth snapped. "They use them to pull teeth! They just love pulling teeth and watching you suffer! They pull any tooth they think is unnatural or wrong and take pleasure in doing it! They watch as you deal with the pain of having your teeth yanked out and your gums bleed and yell at you and…" he started to visibly shake.

"Okay," Remy blinked. "You wouldn't have any experience about such things, would you?"

"No! Why would I? My teeth heal themselves! Even if they're knocked or yanked out by some evil lunatic they grow right back in!" Sabertooth had a crazy look in his eye. "Just because some of them are sharp and pointy and scare people does it give someone the right to remove them with a rusty pair of pliers? No! Well they'll never do that to me again. I won't let them. I'm strong now. I'm big and strong and…"

"Oh bwoy," Pyro moaned. "Tis well be interlestling."

* * *

"This is embarrassing," Remy groaned the next day as the Acolytes sat in the waiting room of the Bayville Dental Clinic. "Four grown guys sittin…well, four physically grown guys sitting in a dentist office like a bunch of little kids."

"It is not that bad," Piotr said while he flipped through a National Geographic magazine. "It is early in the morning and no one else is here."

"Too bwad," Pyro mumbled painfully. "Nowon kan watch Sabes hav a bwreakdown."

"I will not be scared," Sabertooth silently chanted to himself while tightly gripping the armrests of his chair. "I will not be scared. I am Victor Creed, Sabertooth. One of the most feared mutants in the world. I've undertaken highly dangerous operations in the Soviet Union, completed suicide missions against all odds, avoided being corrupted by hippies during the 60's. I will not be scared of some dentist."

"Mr. Creed," a young hygienist walked in from the back and called out.

"Let's get this over with," Sabertooth growled as he followed the hygienist into the back. "I will not be scared…"

"Oh boy," Remy whistled. "This should be entertaining. How much you wanna bet Sabes snaps within ten minutes of sitting in the dentist's chair?"

"I'll talke ten on fitween minnots," Pyro muttered.

"Hmmm, he seems to be holding together well," Piotr thought. "Five on twenty minutes."

"Mr. Allerdyce," another hygienist called out.

"Tat's me," Pyro got up and walked into the back.

"I still can't believe Mags has us on a dental plan," Remy shook his head. "What are the odds of a ruthless terrorist leader having his troops on a dental plan?"

"Apparently quite good," Piotr responded. "Though I think we should be careful. They might not like the fact that we are mutants."

"Don't worry," Remy reassured Piotr. "None of us except Mags were seen on TV during the whole Day of Reckoning thing a while back and as long as we're careful no one will know."

"You are right," Piotr nodded. "It is amazing Mag…uh, the boss was able to get us appointments so fast. I thought scheduling dentist appointments took months in advance."

"I overheard him while he was on the phone. It's part of the whole dental plan deal he made. Mags gets appointments anytime he wants and the dentists get to keep their cars in one piece."

"Ah."

"Mr. Lebeau, Mr. Rasputin," two nurses called out.

"That's us," Remy and Piotr got up and followed them into the back.

* * *

Pyro lay back in the dental chair as the hygienist clipped a paper towel around his neck. "So St. John, your report says you are suffering from a toothache?"

"Uh huh," Pyro moaned. "Empassas on suffuren."

"Let's take a look," the hygienist picked up a dental mirror and probe. "Open wide please."

Pyro did so. The hygienist examined Pyro's teeth. "Oh, I see the problem. Looks like you have a little cavity in one of your lower molars. We'll have to drill it and put in a filling."

"Dwill?" Pyro gulped.

"Don't worry, it'll be just fine. Ah, Doctor Howard," the hygienist looked up as a middle aged man with blue eyes and a short brown beard entered the room.

"Hi Alyssa," Doctor Howard said. "This must be St. John. How are you doing today?"

"I hav a cabity and a wittle myrror on te end off a snall wetal tick in my outh," Pyro replied.

"Oops! Sorry," Alyssa smiled and removed the mirror. "He has a small cavity at 18MOL."

"Well, we can't have that now can we?" Doctor Howard gave Pyro a reassuring smile. "Let's get to work."

"Okway," Pyro said.

* * *

"Please take a seat," the nurse motioned to Piotr. Piotr quietly sat. "I'll give you a standard cleaning then the doctor will come in and…"

"Hello there!" a gray haired man with a large smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye waltzed into the room.

"Doctor McHenry?" the nurse blinked. "I thought you were on extended leave in Hawaii."

"Oh that was a mistake," Doctor McHenry waved. "The office offered me a paid vacation for a few months, but I just couldn't leave my patients! Now why don't you skip right along and go help someone else."

"Uh, isn't it standard procedure that a nurse be present and…" the nurse started.

"Oh, hush now. I know I'm getting old and just celebrated my ninety-fourth birthday last month, but I'm perfectly capable of handling things here," Doctor McHenry laughed. "Now go on little one, scoot." The nurse left.

"Alright now, what's on the docket?" Doctor McHenry looked at a clipboard. "Ah, Piotr Rasputin! Nice to meet you! You Russian?" he held out his hand.

"Uh, yes," Piotr blinked.

"Wonderful! I love Russians! Have great respect for them. Heck, if it wasn't for the Russians the world would never know the true delicacy of _ukha_," Doctor McHenry pumped Piotr's arm vigorously. "Now you just lean back and I'll give you a little bit of laughing gas."

"Laughing gas?" Piotr blinked. "But you have not even looked at my teeth yet."

"Hey, who's the dentist here, me or the x-ray camera?" Doctor McHenry grinned and slipped a small mask over Piotr's nose. "I always find giving my patients laughing gas right off the bat makes them relaxed and happy. Plus ya never know if somebody is gonna be all tense and scared of the dentist. Why anyone would be scared of the dentist is beyond me. There's nothing to fear of someone sticking sharp metal probes and weird medical instruments into your mouth and doing things to you that you can't even see. It's the way people act that really scares me. Especially if you get some nut who's a few bristles short of a toothbrush if you get my drift, right?"

"Right," Piotr replied dreamily as he breathed in laughing gas.

* * *

Sabertooth sat in the dental chair and gripped the armrests so hard his knuckles turned white. _Okay, this isn't so bad_, he thought. _At least the nurse didn't run out screaming when she saw my fangs._

The hygienist was currently looking inside Sabertooth's open mouth. "Hmmm, your teeth and gums are in excellent condition, Mr. Creed. Though there is an awful lot of plaque on them," she said withdrawing a little mirror and probe from Sabertooth's mouth.

"You're not scared of 'em?" Sabertooth raised an eyebrow, surprised.

"Nope, I've seen a lot scarier. Have you ever seen the teeth of an eight year old who isn't in the habit of brushing? Now that's scary. A set of sharp, oversized canines is nothing," the hygienist waved.

_Hmmm_, Sabertooth thought. _She's pretty tough. I guess this'll be okay._

"Okay, where's the patient?" a young, sturdy man walked into the room with a toolbox in one hand and a pair of pliers in the other.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Sabertooth shot out of the chair, sending the tray of dentist tools flying and breaking the overhead lamp.

"Mr. Creed! Please calm down!" the hygienist shouted as she barely managed to avoid being knocked over by Sabertooth.

"I KNEW IT!" Sabertooth backed up against a wall in terror. "I KNEW YOU'D TRY AND PULL MY TEETH OUT!"

"Uh, I'm the janitor," the young man said nervously. "I'm here to fix the drainage mechanism in the sink.

"LIAR!" Sabertooth roared. "YOU'RE HERE TO PULL OUT MY FANGS! WELL I WON'T LET YOU! I'M OUTTA HERE!" Sabertooth bolted for the doorway only to run into something that stopped him cold.

"Is there a problem here?" a very large and very muscular woman asked while standing in the doorway.

"Nurse Villers," the hygienist blinked. "Mr. Creed was just startled by Mort coming in to fix the sink."

"He's supposed to fix the one in the next room," Nurse Villers said and looked at Sabertooth. "Please sit down Mr. Creed.

"NO! GET OUTTA MY WAY!" Sabertooth tried to shove past her.

"Oh no you don't!" Nurse Villers grabbed Sabertooth with both hands and actually threw, yes threw him back into the dental chair.

"Nurse Villers, please!" the hygienist pleaded. "This isn't the Marines."

"I know. If it was and I was still on active duty I'd knock him out with Mort's blow hammer," Nurse Villers said as she tried to prevent Sabertooth from getting out of the chair again. "Mort, give me a hand here!"

"Okay," Mort gulped and joined the task of keeping Sabertooth down.

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!" Sabertooth roared as he tried to shake them off, but Nurse Villers was even stronger than she looked.

"Whatever," Nurse Villers grunted as she and Mort wrestled with him. "Okay, get out the excavators."

"NOOOOOOOO!" Sabertooth yelled.

* * *

Remy followed the nurse as she led him to an examination room while checking out her backside. _Wow, she is fine. Has a great set of legs. Can't wait to see her face._

"Please take a seat Mr. Lebeau," the nurse gestured to the dental chair and moved toward the sink.

"Of course," Remy grinned while sitting down and leaning back. "So what are you going to do to me?"

"Close you eyes, open you mouth and I'll show you," the nurse said as she moved behind Remy.

"Oooh," Remy smirked and closed his eyes. _I hope this is what I think it is…_ "Ow!" Remy yelped and opened his eyes, only to find himself bound to the chair by his wrists, elbows and ankles. "Uh, look I know it's common to be scared of the dentist but there's no need to tie me down."

"Oh, I think there is," the nurse finished tightening the straps around Remy's legs and turned to face him.

"What the…oh no!" Remy gulped and turned slightly pale. "YOU!"

"Oh yes!" Denise grinned as she stood over Remy with an evil look on her face. "You remember me, right? And how you treated me that night at the bar?"

"Look that was just a very big misunderstanding," Remy tried to free himself, but couldn't quite reach the straps surrounding his wrists. And he couldn't use his powers to charge the straps since his gloves were in the way.

"Don't lie to me!" Denise hissed in his face. "You think I'm stupid enough to fall for one of those pathetic lines you rotten charmers use to worm your way out of trouble? Well you've messed with the wrong woman!"

"Uh oh," Remy gulped. "Help! Somebody hel…mmmffffff!" Denise quickly slapped a piece of surgery tape over his mouth.

"I was soooooo surprised and delighted when I saw your name on today's appointment list," Denise said in a dangerously happy tone. "So I made sure I'd be your nurse and we'd be in this far room where we wouldn't be disturbed."

_Not good. This is not good_! Remy started to visibly sweat as he desperately tried to get free.

Denise wheeled up a cart with several sharp, pointy metal tools lined up on it, including to Remy's horror a small blowtorch and a vicious-looking bone saw. "That's an osteotome," Denise noticed his gaze and ran her fingers over the saw. "And like all these tools it can be used in places other than the human mouth. Your stomach, for instance."

_Oh geeze, she's insane! This can't be happening! This has to be a dream!_ Remy's veins turned to ice as Denise took a seat and gave a predatory smile.

She picked up a syringe with a very long needle on the end of it and faced Remy with an evil grin. "Now, guess where this is going?"

_Mother!_ Remy mentally screamed.

* * *

"Probe please," Dr. Howard said as he and Alyssa worked inside Pyro's open month.

"Here," Alyssa handed him the probe. Dr. Howard inspected the tooth they had just finished drilling.

"Hmmm, lets give the filling another thirty seconds to harden. Then we'll polish it and start cleaning up," Dr. Howard decided. He looked into Pyro's eyes. "Holding up there, St. John?"

"Mmm hmmm," Pyro replied, being much calmer than when they had first started. He had panicked slightly when they began to give him novocaine, but had quickly calmed down after it took effect.

"You're doing great," Dr. Howard smiled. A distant crash was heard followed by a piercing scream. "My goodness, do they know who is causing all that noise yet?"

"I think it's the big hairy guy who just came in. He's putting up quite a fight," Alyssa said.

"Well, I hope he settles down soon," Dr. Howard shook his head and turned back towards Pyro. "Alright, let's start polishing this filling up."

* * *

"GAAAHHHHHH!" Sabertooth screamed as he thrashed around in the dental chair while being held down by Mort and Nurse Villers. The hygienist was desperately attempting to rinse off Sabertooth's teeth while trying not to get killed.

"You are the biggest baby I've ever seen!" Nurse Villers snapped as she restrained Sabertooth's arm. "I know six year olds who aren't as dentophobic as you!"

"GET OFF ME YOU MURDERERS!" Sabertooth yelled spitting water everywhere. "YOU'RE GONNA DROWN ME AND PULL OUT MY TEETH THEN DOWN MY TEETH!"

"Oh shut up and stop being such a wimp!" Nurse Villers shouted and turned toward the hygienist. "Forget the sprayer! Just fill up a bucket from the sink and pour it down his throat!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Sabertooth roared and kicked aside a cart, sending it crashing through a window.

SMASH!

Out in the parking lot Principal Kelly had just finished parking and was getting out of his car. "Ohhh, this rotten toothache. That's the last time I'm conned into trying anything that Pryde girl makes. I'm lucky I didn't chip a tooth."

CRASH!

"AAAHHHHHH! MY CAR!" Kelly screamed as the falling dental cart shattered his windshield and tore off a side mirror. He quickly unlocked the door and inspected the car's interior. "AAARRRGGGHHH!" He pulled out a broken bottle. "NOT MY SCOTCH TOO! NOOOOOOOOOO!"

Back inside the dental office the hygienist finished filling a bucket with water. "Look out!" She warned as she tossed the water at Sabertooth, dousing Mort and Nurse Villers as well.

"BLUB-BLE-UB-BLE-UB-BLE!" Sabertooth bubbled as he spat water into Nurse Villers' face.

"Do that once more and I'll make it so you never have to visit the dentist again! Which would be just fine with me!" Nurse Villers yelled and slammed Sabertooth back into the chair. "Alright, fire up the oscillating enamel burnisher!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sabertooth screamed and with a burst of strength threw everyone off him and bolted out of the room. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"

"COME BACK HERE AND GET YOUR TEETH CLEANED LIKE A MAN!" Nurse Villers yelled and took off after him.

"Ohhh, did anyone get the number on that semi?" Mort blinked and tried to regain his senses.

BOOM!

CRASH!

"What was that?" the hygienist gasped.

"MMMFFFFFF!" Remy hopped down the hallway while still tied to the dental chair. His clothes were torn in several places.

"GET BACK HERE YOU ROTTEN CAJUN!" Denise screamed as she chased after him with a large pair of scissors and a dental chisel. "I STILL HAVE A FEW THINGS TO REMOVE!"

"MMMPPPHHHHHH!" Remy began to hop like mad with a look of pure panic in his eyes.

"WHO SQUIRTED TOOTHPASTE ALL OVER THE CEILING?!" someone shouted from an examination room.

"WHERE DID ALL THIS LIQUID SOAP COME FROM?!" a hygienist yelled from another room. "AND HOW DID IT GET IN THE WATER SPRAYER?!"

"_Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow?_" Doctor McHenry and Piotr skipped down the hallway while linking arms and kicking up their heels.

"Oh great! Mad Doc McHenry is here!" a frazzled nurse shouted. "I thought someone bribed him to go away for a few months!"

"Why? He's a great dentist," another nurse pointed out.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME!" a receptionist yelped while being tied up with dental floss.

"Yeah, but he always gets his patients high on laughing gas!" the first nurse snapped. "And after he's done cleaning or whatever they starting singing and causing chaos!"

"AAAHHHHHH!" a hygienist rode down the hallway on a tidal wave of cotton balls.

"_Can you throw them over your shoulder like a Continental soldier? Do your ears hang low?_" Doctor McHenry and Piotr sailed passed her into the children's waiting area. "Oooh, crayons!"

"Yay!" Piotr chirped as the two of them began to draw all over the walls and furniture.

RIP! RIP!

"HELP ME!" Remy yelled leaping over the front desk. He had managed to free himself from the dental chair by tearing off the armrests and slipping loose his legs. "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE WOMAN!"

"YOU STUPID JERK! PREPARE TO SUFFER!" Denise howled as she leapt at Remy and tackled him to the floor.

"OW! OW! OW!" Remy wailed as Denise started beating him up. "YEOW! THAT HURTS! NO DON'T STICK THE IMPRESSION TRAY THERE! AAAIIIEEEEEE!"

"That should do it. Remember to brush and floss every day," Doctor Howard said as he led Pyro out of the examination room. "You can start eating and drinking at any time. The novocaine should wear off in about…WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?!" he yelped right before being knocked out by Sabertooth and Nurse Villers.

"Oh bwoy," Pyro blinked with a hand on his numb jaw. "Wooks wike tose blokes are haven fun."

"BACK! BACK I SAY!" Sabertooth ran into the waiting room and starting throwing furniture at Nurse Villers.

"YOU CAN'T ESCAPE FROM ME!" Nurse Villers caught a table in midair and broke it in half. She kept chasing after Sabertooth while they continued to trash the clinic. "MAN I'VE MISSED THIS KIND OF ACTION!"

SMASH!

Sabertooth threw a chair that missed Nurse Villers, took out a light fixture and broke through the ceiling.

CRASH!

"SOMEBODY SAVE ME!" Remy clawed at the carpet as Denise dragged him toward a dark closet. "HEY WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE HANDCUFFS?! YEOW! NOT THE AIR HOSE! ANYTHING BUT THE AIR HOSE! NOOOOOO!"

"COME HERE YOU!" Denise managed to toss Remy into the closet and was ready to follow with a murderous look in her eye.

"Wheeeeee!" Piotr and Doctor McHenry came crawling by still scribbling with crayons and tripped Denise from behind.

"AHHHHHH!" Denise screamed as she fell down into the duo's path. Soon her clothes were covered with a multitude of colored doodles.

"Thanks Piotr! I owe you one!" Remy gasped as he used his powers to free himself.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Sabertooth screamed and starting climbing a wall using his claws.

"COME DOWN FOR YOUR TONGUE SCRAPING!" Nurse Villers shouted and tried to pull Sabertooth back down.

CREEEKKK!

CRASH!

"Ooofffff!" Nurse Villers exclaimed as the wall of sheetrock Sabertooth had been clinging to gave way and fell on them. "GET OFF ME YOU BIG OAF!"

"LET ME OUTTA HERE!" Sabertooth quickly recovered and bolted for the exit.

Meanwhile Kelly had finishing crying over his car and lost scotch and was making his way toward the dental office. "I don't believe this! Why do things always happen to me? It's bad enough those stupid mutants keep making my life miserable!" Kelly grumbled as he reached the front door.

SMASH!

"FREEDOM!" Sabertooth shouted as he broke down the door and squashed Kelly beneath it.

"WAIT FOR ME!" Remy yelled as he flew out of the building and ran over the door.

"_I'm a nut all small and round! Lying on the cold, hard ground! Everyone walks over me! That is why I'm cracked you see!_" Piotr sang while waltzing over the door with Pyro right behind him.

"Ohhh," Kelly croaked as he lay sprawled under the ruined door. "I hate my life…I hate my li…ow…medic!"

"That's it! I'm never gonna let anyone near my teeth again! Never! Never! Never!" Sabertooth screamed as the Acolytes left the heavily damaged dental clinic behind them.

"I never want to see that crazy nurse again," Remy muttered with the broken armrests still tied to his forearms. "That _femme_ is evil. Evil I tell you!"

"_I'm a nut! I'm a nut! I'm a nut!_" Piotr laughed and did a funny dance.

"NEVER!" Sabertooth shrieked.

"Oh bugger," Pyro shook his head. "I alwaz godda be te normal won in tis groop."

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution, the song "Do Your Ears Hang Low" or "I'm a Nut".**


End file.
